my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
