I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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