Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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