Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
