Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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