I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
