just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
