Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
