I wish my penis had an off switch
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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