he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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