The maid of honor just puked.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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