You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
