the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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