Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
