Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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