Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
