My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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