I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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