I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
