You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
