I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
