Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
