Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
