I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
