I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize