someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
