Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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