Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
