your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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