how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
