she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
