I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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