I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
