I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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