I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
