She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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