Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
