I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
