I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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