Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
