At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
