Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
