nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
