when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
