I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
