I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
