this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
