Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize