when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
