girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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