Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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