I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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