awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
