I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize