I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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