i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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