I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
