He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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